Antidepressant

There was another time I was in the mental hospital. It was finally a safe place to be for me. I’ve had some not so great experiences, and some really great experiences and this one was a great and therapeutic experience for me, thankfully and thank God because He knew how much healing I needed in that moment in time. I started weaning off of a particular antidepressant, which is a very helpful medication, but is known in the mental health world as one of the most difficult medications to quit, even when you’re slowly doing so. And that is putting it so so mildly, in my experience. I was weaning off of this particular medication because I was maxed out on the maximum dosage and I was still experiencing quite severe depression. So, my provider and I decided to start working on weaning me off of the medication. Now, at first, it was not bad at all, but in hindsight, I’ve learned that most people will wean FROM this medication ONTO something that has a short half life. Short half life just means that the medication will tend to act very quickly, but their effects wear off rapidly. So, it dumped into my system and started working right away, which is excellent when you’re going through withdrawal from weaning off the other medication and have absolutely no anti depression support because of those withdrawals.

Anyway, back to weaning off the antidepressant, my provider, at the time, was not aware that if you are having someone wean from this particular antidepressant and they WILL go through withdrawals, by the way, then it is wise to support that person with a second medication like the short half-life med that I was eventually placed on. She was not knowledgeable about this practice, at that time, and I suffered as a result of it. I remember the withdrawals like it was just yesterday, even though it was years ago now. At first, there were no withdrawals, until there was. Withdrawing from this antidepressant was so surreal, I was crying and emotional, my brain was not working well, I was having brain zaps that are like your brain being electrocuted from the inside out. I would just be sitting there, and then my brain would shock me from the inside out. I know, that’s probably not a great description I’m using, but it’s the only way I know how to describe it. To make matters worse, I was shaking uncontrollably and nauseous and vomiting as well. I remember my aunt being so desperate to offer assistance that she told me to get into a cold shower. Now that may sound weird to some, but cold actually releases norepinephrine, which is what counteracts all those anxious symptoms like a racing heart, fast breathing, panic, etc. So, I decided to go for it. I jumped into the shower because I was on the verge of panic and was suicidal at the same time, I was desperate for some relief with all the other symptoms that came with those emotions/thoughts. As I got out, I was shivering so hard, not because of the cold, but the withdrawal from the antidepressant also gave me the shakes so bad that my muscles hurt in the back of my neck from shaking so hard.

I should also say, at this time, I was going through a torrential period of time in my marriage, and that was not helping my psyche in the least bit. My emotions were all over the place, I was struggling with anxiety at one point that I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t focus, and then like I mentioned before, the suicidal thoughts started happening. Now, as I’ve said previously, I am a survivor of my Dad completing suicide, I knew that I knew I did not want to make that decision for my family and myself too. But, the thoughts I was having was that my family was truly better off without me here. That I was a burden to them, and completing suicide for myself, would actually make their world liveable again. Those are the lies that a suicidal brain will tell you. I want, no, NEED to share these with the world, because I know I’m not the only one who has struggled with these kinds of thoughts, and I want you to know you can recover from the darkness…even when it hurts. I was so incapacitated at the time that I could not function, let alone relay what I was experiencing to my psychiatrist.

So, my sweet husband, out of desperation for saving my life, jumped on NAMI’s (GREAT resource by the way, I’ll post it under resources in my home page) website. NAMI is the National Alliance for Mental Illness website which is dedicated to helping the world to navigate all things mental illness. Anyway, my husband jumped on their site and found a support group for those that love someone who is mentally ill. It was there that my current trajectory was changed. You see, I did NOT want to go to the mental hospital because I had such a horrible experience at one that I vowed to never step foot into one again. I will talk more on that at a later time. My husband went to the virtual support group meeting and a member of the group was able to recommend a hospital that is known for its humane and thorough treatment of those struggling with mental illness. So, as soon as my husband got off the virtual meeting, he came in and told me excitedly about the newly found hospital. He was excited because this meant that we had a plan to move forward, and that is what I desperately wanted to do but didn’t know how because I was so miserably uncomfortable. We called the hospital, they did not have any beds for treatment, but told us to come by at a certain time,  that they would be discharging patients and I could see if I could get evaluated and admitted. So we went to the hospital and I was evaluated, then admitted…and not against my will. I just wanted help to feel better, and this place gave me hope of reaching that goal. I ended up staying for a week. In that time, there were a lot of activities like recreation (because moving your body is good for the soul), arts and crafts (because that is soothing to the overthinking mind), meal times of course, and group therapy because, well, we were all in there to get help.

The group therapy doesn’t consist of sitting around talking about your feelings or kumbaya type things, it is about coping skills that we could utilize, like deep breathing exercises, box breathing, meditation, and changing destructive or negative thought patterns. Stuff, that really, we all could use, mental hospital patients, or not. It was also there that I found solace from my symptoms. I was finally given an antidepressant to support me through the withdrawal period I was on coming off of the other antidepressant. As I mentioned before, the new medication is a great medication to help with withdrawal symptoms because of its short half life. There’s little risk of serotonin syndrome with the short half-life med because it wears off quicker than other medications. Anyway, the psychiatrist at the hospital started me on this new medication, and something for sleep, since I was not sleeping well at all. The first night was very difficult for me as I had a very hard time accepting that this place was my new reality. Sure, it was temporary,  but to humble oneself and ask for help is not an easy thing for me to do, for a lot of others I’m sure too. Nonetheless, I finally slept that night because of the medications that the psychiatrist put me on to stabilize me. It was the first good night’s rest I had gotten in a long time and I was so exhausted but woke up feeling much better than the day I went in. I slowly climbed out of the depression I was enveloped by, as the days wore on. Breakfast, crafts, coloring, watching movies, doing puzzles, lunch, group, meeting with the psychiatrist…and repeat for a bit more days. It might sound like a retreat, and in some ways, it was in the sense that I was able to do things I hadn’t enjoyed doing since I was a child. Coloring is therapeutic, and so are crafts. We would listen to music and build creative gifts for our family members for visiting hours. Do not think for one moment that this was easy for me, as it was the farthest thing from that. You see, when you’re wrestling with the demons from within, it takes a ton of energy, time, effort…no wonder they have us sitting down for crafts and puzzles when we’re not digging through the dirt of our souls…because you can’t mentally run uphill forever, and especially when you’re running from the deepest darkest secrets this soul carries. I did a lot of work while I was in that hospital. Only a week’s worth of time actually passed by, but I was busy and introspective almost all day long. My soul needed healing and soothing, and I started to get that from that place, but I also got stabilized on medication and my outlook finally started to change. The suicidal thoughts didn’t go away overnight, but they did go away shortly after. I had a family to get home to and to enjoy time with them was icing on the cake once I finally was able to feel better. Though this place was the first major step toward healing, I still had/have a ton of healing to do. I left that place feeling euphoric though, and that was because for the first time in 16 years or so, I actually had little depression looming over me. To say that this was a miracle is an understatement for sure.

I had been bogged down by an unfathomable deep, dark, depression that would not relent, no matter the medication my healthcare providers tried to throw at it. Shortly after I came home, anxiety hit me like I was running into a brick wall. There’s a theory that I was anxious all along but it was so masked by depression that I couldn’t feel it. So, once the depression lifted, the walls came tumbling down and my world shook, all over again. You see, I’m a nurse, and I worked triage and performed procedures on potentially COVID positive patients…during COVID. As that started to improve (COVID), my mental health took a sharp decline again…and this is my story to healing. I will share my journey with the world, because you matter, and I matter, and my story may help someone someday. I invite you to come along with me on my journey. It isn’t a pretty one, healing isn’t linear in any way shape or form, but it’s my raw, beautiful story that I want, no, NEED to share, so that others don’t feel alone in their battles. So, come along with me and help me fight these battles, as I reveal my deepest darkest parts of my soul…even when it hurts.